U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
