I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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