My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
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