apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
