Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
