I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
