I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
