apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
