also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Please, let me fuck your mom
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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