She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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