I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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