Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
