i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
