I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
