My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
