Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
im holly from the hills drunk
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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