that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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