Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
