her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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