I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Hippo gnu deer
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
