As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize