Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
