Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
