just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
