Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
