I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
