They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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