The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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