my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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