Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
