she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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