??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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