The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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