Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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