Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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