I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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