4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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