I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
