You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
