did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
