i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
