Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Randomize