My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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