I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
