the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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