Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
