Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
