Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
