If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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