then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
