Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Are we still banned from the library?
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
