there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
