1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
