I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
