you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
