Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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