Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize