DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
