so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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